I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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