Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
