you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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