I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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