Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
