So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
