Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
