Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
