she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
worst night to have a conscience
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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