She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Pants are for mortals
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
