I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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