i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
