so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
