Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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