Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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