my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
