guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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