Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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