if you like me you must not know who I am
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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