It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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