So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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