I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
