We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize