Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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