just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
