Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
