good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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