in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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