So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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