All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
