bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize