There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
