the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just gift wrapped bread.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize