Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
