The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
