I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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