honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
