love makes seman taste better
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
