this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
