We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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