The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
