If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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