"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
