I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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