Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize