The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
