Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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