i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
