Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
