cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
