I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
