i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
