Your face is a jimmy john
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
