i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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