Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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