I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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