I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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